i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
