Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
