I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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