I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize