He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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