I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
