This is not my ceiling
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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