Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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