I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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