Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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