can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
