Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
