Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
