Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
