I wish I could teleport
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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