I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize