He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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