Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
