saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
