He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
