i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
