I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
