i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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