In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
