Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
