so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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