Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
