Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
