and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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