On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
