My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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