You made me cry and you don't even care
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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