My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
