My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Porn is love you can see.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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