we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
