I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
