Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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