I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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