wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize