My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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