white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think my moral compass just broke
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
