I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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