and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
