I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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