all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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