Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
