Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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