guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
