I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
