picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
