Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
