Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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