I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
