last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize