I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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