We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
